Let me start by extending my apologies to your lovely, gracious, and understanding wife. I do hope that the included reservations to the hotel and spa in town will make up for any inconvenience my actions may have caused her. I know all too well the physical burden of pregnancy and my only desire for her is that she is cared for as wonderfully as she has cared for everyone else. To you, however, I simply wish to convey my thanks. As you know, I have never been pleased with the fact that the nature of Myka and I’s occupation made naming a caretaker for our children necessary. Regrettably, over the years I have taken this frustration out on you and have repeatedly questioned your position as Godmother to Alexandria and Christian. The simple truth is: Myka was right, as she is wont to be, and you were the perfect choice. The only choice, really. Who else would have taught my Christian to be so proficient on the computer? I have to admit, I was quite proud the day I was informed that he had “hacked” the database of the Federal Bureau of Investigation “for funsies”. I was even more impressed at the elaborateness of the lie the two of you had concocted should he have been caught. Who indeed would have taught little Alexandria to take care around the artifacts if you had not encouraged her to experience one? Her sneaking the Baylor Dodgeball out of the Warehouse in order to play a rousing game of kickball with her friends was, obviously, something no one could have predicted. No matter though. Experience is the best teacher, as they say. Most importantly, perhaps, who would have taught me that I can neither protect my children from every minuscule thing, nor should I want to? Who would have encouraged Myka, the children, and I to experience things together as a family? Who would have helped me learn to enjoy this second chance at motherhood if it were not for you? Happily, I do not have to answer these questions because we have all been lucky enough to have you in our lives. Now, you may be asking yourself, what does this have to do with the smoke steadily filling up the house as you read this? Well, everything. You see, I could not help but notice that for the past few weeks young Stevie has had her heart set on a chemistry set and you, out of fear, have denied her. I thought this the perfect opportunity to repay you for the many lessons you have taught us so I took the liberty of purchasing one for her. Not to worry though, I have “tweaked” it and it is perfectly child-safe. Your daughter is quite the budding Chemist, however, she will require your assistance in order to stop the reaction that has no doubt garnered your attention by now. If this angers or frustrates you then I encourage you to meditate on these words spoken to me by a young woman who I have always believed to be wise beyond her years: “Dude, chill. They are kids and they are curious and things are gonna happen. Messes will be made. Yeah you may have to help them out of jams every once in a while but that’s normal. Just think of it as a really awesome bonding experience.”
OMFG BRB DYING!!!! This is so fucking perfect I can’t even!!! H.G.’s “gotcha” voice is perfect, I can practically HEAR her chuckling wickedly.